Men, Women, Love, Friendship & Laughter
“Love, friendship, laughter…some of the best things in life really are free” – Bob Marley
“What do you think of men?”, if you ask this question to any woman you know, they will smile and roll their eyes around, some will giggle and some will get all serious and get into deep thinking processes. And some will squint their eyes real hard and say, “What do you mean by that?” In today’s world of political correctness and gender equality and all, everyone seems to be a little guarded against their opinion on the opposite sex. You always first scrutinise your audience and measure up your words zealously before expressing them. You might start a full blown war of words, ruffle many feathers and even ruin some of your long held friendships/relationships. So, people keep things close to their hearts, not uttering much or just following the majority. If you hold an opinion which might be slightly different than the majority, then only God can save you – now that’s another controversial topic – religion! Even God’s gender is questioned. You wonder how to refer to God these days in your prayers? – He/She has to be gender neutral. It’s confusing. Your prayer time can get highly stressful – you hope you are not offending God. These days getting offended is trending, in fact it is trending big time. Everyone is offended about something or the other. Gone are those days when you could express your views and opinions without getting trolled virtually, emotionally and mentally.
I asked the above question to my female acquaintances, friends, cousins, relatives too. Most went quiet, some came up with witty one-liners and comments comprising of one word only, some were overtly careful with their comments. There were few who were very open and talked their hearts out, I guess it was a subject very close to their hearts. The responses mirrored their age groups, life experiences, cultural, historical and religious contexts and their educational backgrounds. Language played an important role too, for example, in Khmer, the word for ‘yes’ is different for men and women. Some of them repeated the well-known stereotypes such as men are childlike, they are always confused, they are like pre-programmed machines, and Men Are From Mars after all. Some who have studied the subject a bit more closely out of sheer curiosity, they held biology as the prime factor in determining our feelings about men. Depending on our monthly cycle, we are attracted towards different kind of men – sexy, tall, compassionate, athletic, physically attractive, caring, older, intelligent, rich, wealthy etc. How we feel about men depends greatly on our biological make up and our age. I wonder if it is the same for men.
There has been many researches and studies conducted on men and women’s brains – similarities and differences. As a species we are always wondering if we are just the same, irrespective of our gender and our obvious biological differences. Is ‘gender’ a man-made concept? Is it because of our social conditioning we behave how we behave, is it because of our culture, we put on girly clothes, love pink or blue, play with dolls or trucks and put make up on ourselves? Is gender influenced by outside elements? What if all the toilets are unisex like unisex perfumes? What if all the clothes are gender neutral and you can’t really tell the difference between a boy and a girl? Is a clear distinction between different genders and gender roles serving our society anymore? Do we need a foundation/corner stone called a basic ‘nuclear family’ comprising of a mother and a father anymore for our ever evolving and ever changing society? Do mothers always need to be the ones staying at home being the primary carers and nurturers? Do fathers always need to be the breadwinners of the family? Do we need to revisit the traditional family structure of joint families, where every family member had a designated role and the family unit worked smoothly without childcare centres and aged care facilities? Do we need to have state/politics meddling into our private affairs such as – childcare, aged care, counselling services? Do we need to worry about our kids becoming totally socially inept and awkward spending most of their spare time talking to ‘Siri’ and playing games on their electronic devices all day long? The divorce rate is reaching record high worldwide. Over worked and over-burdened single mothers and single parents are regretting their decision to procreate.
Well-meaning popular movements such as ‘toxic masculinity’ and #metoo movement have a disturbing side to it too. There is a growing divide between men and women. You come across these young people who are dead scared to approach the opposite sex because they are worried they might offend them and it might be seen as sexual harassment. Young men are not sure about their masculinity, they are highly confused and are searching for answers. Is the whole concept of masculinity ‘toxic’? They lack confidence and assurance. They are lacking exemplary male role models in their lives. So what has gone so wrong? Why there is such an imbalance? Is there a gender war on at the moment? Do we need to intellectualise all aspects of our lives? Do we need to challenge everything that we have known all this time as human beings?
I grew up in a world when there was a certain mystery, certain charm shrouding the male-female relationship/friendship. My mother and other older women were full of interesting stories and always gave a vague account of boys and men in general. Our school text books were too biological and too scientific to make any logical sense out of it. We were given instructions to maintain a safe distance from men – please practice all interactions with the opposite gender in moderation, don’t spend too much time with them, don’t go alone with them. Despite all these strict guidelines, as a girl I have always found that there was an undeniable attraction, there was this enchanting mystery, and there was this lure of the unknown. I have always found the boys simpler to navigate, down to earth, and easy to communicate with. The plus point was they were always more fun to be around with.
Now when you find yourself embroiled in this ever present gender war, how do you strike that elusive balance again when love used to blossom between a man and a woman naturally and organically as a natural extension of a good solid friendship; when you knew you have found your soulmate; when the feeling of love permeated all the nooks and crannies of your being?
As it happened one fine day, when two of us were busy talking and sharing a joke and laughed so much that our sides almost split open, and we looked deep into each other’s eyes and we knew life would be too dull and boring without each other. It was a time, when sense of humour wasn’t a political act and there was laughter all around; we didn’t have to worry about offending anyone; we two became best of mates; and we decided to spend the rest of our lives together. There was banter, there were smiles galore and hearty laughs, and innocent statements about gender differences. In a nutshell, we all were simpler beings and life was simpler and love was simpler………..Are we lacking something inside us these days? Are we responsible for all these unnecessary complications? Can we laugh again – together, irrespective of our gender and grow in each other’s love? Can we love and respect each other’s differences? Can we just be good friends….again?
“The enemy of a love is never outside, it’s not a man or a woman, it’s what we lack in ourselves.” – Anais Nin
I wonder as always at the beginning of this month called February (the month of my birth, the second month of the year, the Valentine’s month), what it really means to love and to be loved. In today’s world of hyper connectivity and instant online ‘love’- is there really a ‘thing’ called ‘Love’, love – in its purest form, without any adulteration and editing, that exists around us? Is it the same globally or is it different in every continent or it surpasses all the limitations and boundaries of language, colour, religion, culture……? This four letter word has baffled us from the times immemorial. Poets, artists and writers have been intrigued and fascinated by it since the dawn of this civilisation. It has been the cause of many a wars and peace treaties too. It is the driving force behind many of the greatest achievements and feats of mankind. It has moved mountains and conquered unimaginable heights and depths. Think tanks and scientists have tried to analyse it from all possible angles but it still remains a mystery, so simple, yet so profound. All religions start and end with love. Everyone seeks it in some form or the other. Everyone needs it – and that I realised quite early on. All living organisms, need a dose of this elusive love, to survive and to flourish. History is the witness.
vibhadassingh 