“Mental As Anything”
In today’s world of hyper-connectivity, you may have 562+ friends on your various social media sites but you cannot have a heart to heart with anyone of them. You wonder whether you are lonely and isolated. The world is increasingly shrinking, the human mobility is at its all-time high. You move cities, countries, continents and with that your friendships and relationships take a back seat. You say goodbye to everything that is familiar to you. Your school buddies and your childhood friends are scattered all over the globe. You live a high paced life in search for a better life, a bigger salary package with no spare time left to invest in your relationships. By the time you realise these ‘things’ actually do NOT provide you quality of life, it is too late. You look around, you have lost everyone around you. Yes, you are the very embodiment of this ‘me’ culture. You have fleeting relationships, if it does not suit your high paced life, you let it go. You have ‘everything’, you have ever wanted to achieve – hefty bank balance, luxury cars, investment properties, five star holidays to exotic locations, all the expensive toys you can buy to amuse yourself and to boost your ego but somehow, you are still NOT happy.
One thing that really strikes me these days, is the fact that as soon as you enter a bookshop, all the best sellers are usually about ‘HAPPINESS’! There are self-help books from ‘How to be happy in 20 days’ to the ‘Real definition of happiness’……the list is long. ‘HAPPINESS’ is a big business now. There are all these ‘Happiness Gurus’, charging heaps of money for providing you with a magical ‘happiness’ mantra. Everyone is in the pursuit of this elusive happiness but unfortunately, the happiness index of the world is getting lower and lower with each passing year, as the recent studies show. Mental illness is becoming an epidemic worldwide, irrespective of where you reside on this planet of ours. So what is happening? We have so much affluence but still in terms of inner peace, content and happiness, we are not doing well at all. Our mental health is at its worse. What has gone so horribly wrong then?
The other day I saw this young international student waiting for a bus on a bus stop with headphones stuck to her ears, looking into the oblivion. She had this lost look about her, she looked forlorn and lonely……like someone trying hard to make sense of this crazy world. I wanted to reach out to her, just to ask, ‘Are you okay?”……however, I did not, the headphones somehow prevented me from approaching her.
In everyday life, you see these zombies moving around, pumped up on ‘happy pills’ with strange side effects – some looking totally lost, some grumpy, some sad, some don’t smile back even when you try smiling at them, some ignore you, some see past you and you wonder whether you are an invisible entity. You see old people trying to make sense out of this world, they are living by themselves, their kids sitting in some other corner of the world, trying to make sense out of this world themselves. You come across an overworked childcare worker, a stressed teacher and an overly stressed public servant trying to strike that elusive work life balance and wondering about climbing that career ladder or just to make a sea change, run away from it all, leave this rate race and just RUN!!! Your doctor friend complains about long hours and lack of sleep; the academics talk about declining academic standards and increasing university costs; lawyers talk about long hours and dry drudgery of legislations; the IT contractors talk about advanced technological pressure and keeping up with it all; the diplomats start blogs on loneliness and depression, sitting in some third world country, cut off from their families and friends, security threats etc; and mental health professionals are drowning in their ever increasing caseloads and trying to have a break from it all. The world seems stressed to the max!
You switch on your car radio whilst driving towards work, the news anchor delivers the news about further job cuts and a list of professions which are going to be obsolete by 2020. You sigh and you switch it off…..you wonder about your kids’ future and then you change the radio station to easy listening station playing – ‘Don’t worry, be happy’! You smile and you carry on…..
The next song is ‘Happy’ by Pharrell Williams…..I hum along…”Clap along if you know what happiness is to you….Because I’m happy….”
The Attitude of Gratitude
“Pigle noticed that even though he had a very small heart, it could hold a rather large amount of gratitude.”
The word ‘gratitude’ originates from medieval Latin word ‘gratus’ meaning thankful or pleasing. Gratitude is generally defined as the quality of being thankful, readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
The global traditions for expressing gratitude
Different days of the year are celebrated around the globe to express gratitude, mostly through festivals. These festivals are usually held around the harvest times. The universal theme of these festivals is to thank the gods and the universe for bestowing the mankind with all things wonderful and pleasant. It’s a time to look back at the whole year and count your blessings and say thanks to the almighty and to the universe for being so generous to you and to your loved ones.
For example, the Chinese celebrate it with round delicious fruits and moon cakes representing togetherness; Thanksgiving in the United States is celebrated with pumpkin pie and turkey; and in the south of India, it is celebrated as ‘Pongal’ with rice, milk and sweetmeats. It is a time of contentment, happiness and serenity. The idea behind is to be grateful and thankful for your life and what you have, including your very existence, your possessions however big or small, your loved ones, your community, and to learn to be happy with whatever you have got.
Gratitude and happiness
Just this morning, I was talking to one of my colleagues and she was telling me about all these 30+ yuppies– they have everything you can desire and wish for – great flexible jobs, houses on the beach, no kids to worry about, and no responsibilities. But these fortunate beings are not happy and are extremely dissatisfied with their lives. Why?, because they are ‘bored’, there is no spice in their lives, it’s the same old, same old, it’s too secure, it’s too safe, and it’s too humdrum. What are they lacking in their miserable lives which is preventing them from achieving this elusive happiness? I guess it is the lack of ‘gratitude’. In their hollow lives, there is no joy, no contentment, no peace and no gratitude for all the blessings and abundance that they enjoy on a day to day basis. They are the victims of affluenza! Too much affluence and no spirituality or gratitude.
Practicing gratitude
It is recommended that every morning we should try to write down one thing we are grateful for in our lives. Better still, start a gratitude journal and start filling it up every day with something you feel happy about and you are grateful for.
You could feel and express gratitude for any areas of your life, it could be something really small, something really big or something in between. It could be – the way your partner’s eyes twinkle when he first lays his eyes on you after a long day; the first rays of the sun filtering through the screen door in the morning; first blooms of the spring, swaying gently in the breeze; the way your kids run to you screaming at the top of their voices ‘muuuuuummy’, when you go to pick them up at their school; feeling the first drops of the very first rain on your face after a long and hot summer day; cooking and inhaling the wafting aroma of the fresh green baby spinach just plucked from your veggie patch; the purring of your cat, all cuddled up just next to you; going through old family albums with your family; feeling the cool sand through your toes; smelling an old book; a great pair of shoes; finding just the right shade of lipstick; the radio in your car suddenly playing your favourite long forgotten, half-remembered song; watching your favourite movie with a nice cup of steaming hot masala chai on a rainy day with samosas and spicy coriander chutney (that’s the Indian in me fantasizing)…….I could go on and on but then there is so much to be grateful for, right!!! Everyone’s list is different and unique. It’s like suddenly stumbling across your very own treasure chest, filling it up with your own hand-picked gems, jewels and all sorts of goodies. Simple joys of life which you are grateful for and which bring you small and sometimes immense joys which are hard to explain in words, they could only be felt through your heart and soul.
In a nutshell, gratitude attracts more gratitude, once you begin to feel grateful, it multiplies and you start to notice little reasons to be grateful for all around you. Yes, it is a kind of skill, the more you practice, the better you will get at it. Your overall health and well-being improves. In fact, gratitude is a very positive experience all around. It makes you emotionally, mentally and physically stronger, also it makes you resilient and more zen. You become more philosophical towards adverse situations in your life. You do start to understand the phrase, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. You become more optimistic and less interested in materialism. You begin to understand that the accumulation of wealth and material gains will only lead to wanting for more and more. This Insatiable thirst for money could never be quenched with more wealth. It actually makes you more self-centered, negative and dissatisfied. You lose your touch with the present moment and your ability to enjoy or appreciate simple joys of life. Gratitude is also directly proportional to great supplies of energy, optimism, empathy and compassion. Your self-esteem increases, your mood enhances, your confidence levels go up as you start to feel grateful for and happy about more and more things in your life – big or small, doesn’t really matter.
So, with so many positives, you have to give it a go. Don’t wait for too long, start today, NOW!!!, this very moment…..think of one thing that you are truly grateful for? As a little girl, I always loved reading Winnie the Pooh. The lovable bear who came up with the most profound yet simple philosophical gems. Those little philosophical gems have always stayed with me over the years…..
‘What day is it?’ asked Pooh. ‘It’s today,’ squeaked Piglet. ‘My favourite day,’ said Pooh.
Is today your favourite day? If not, please make it your favourite day…..what’s stopping you? Just keep your heart and soul wide open….
‘How do you spell love?’ – Piglet, ‘you don’t spell it – you feel it.’– Pooh
Love & Happiness Always
Your very own “Vibha”
How Physical Environment Impacts Our Mental Health
Entrance into any space is often an anticipation of things to come, whenever you go anywhere for the first time, the first thing that leaves a lasting impression on you is the environment and the atmosphere of that particular place. The vibe, the energy and the general feeling of the place can impact your mood straight away. Your physical environment can have a direct impact on your psychological well-being and mental health. Your environment plays a vital role in your overall health.
Physical environment and mental health:
According to the research, the built environment has direct and indirect effects on mental health. People who live in crowded areas and sub-standard quality accommodation and with minimum or no contact with nature are known to suffer from psychological distress more often than people who live in natural and open areas. Various studies also show that Alzheimer’s patients have lower levels of stimulation when they live in open, green and homelier spaces. Other environmental factors such as various air pollutants, toxins, bad/insufficient lighting, loud noises, harmful chemical, radiation, infectious agents, all could elevate our psychological distress leading to mental health problems. Psychosocial factors of the built environment such as having no control over your immediate environment (slum dwellers), lack of socially supportive relationships or lack of proper space to recover from stress and fatigue, could all lead to anxiety, depression and many such other mental health issues.
A modern day scenario of our physical environment:
In today’s world we usually do not have much control over our physical environment. We are a moving population, always on the go. We are crossing continents in search of better life and future, always on the lookout for better opportunities. We are constantly staring into our screens of various shapes and sizes, we eat fast food and gobble down food of no nutritious value and we are struggling with lack of restorative sleep and relaxation time. Our eyes are strained with bright lights and hyper-stimulation. Amongst all this fast paced movement, we hardly notice our physical environment. Who is sitting beside us on the plane, train or bus; in a fast food joint, on even on that park bench whilst we are busy always ‘doing’ something on our electronic devices. We totally disregard our immediate physical environment and live in this virtual world. Gone are those days when we used to know the entire street or the village. We used to have that sense of belonging, when we knew every single tree and nook and corner of our little village. When you knew there would always be a group of wise old gentlemen sitting at the roundabout, under the big shady tree in your village, looking at the world go by, reminiscing and just living in the moment being mindful, cherishing each other’s company, enjoying their surroundings, and taking pride in their village.
In today’s world of humongous teeming metropolises, we don’t even know who our neighbour is, or what the demographics of our street is. We go to work early in the morning, come back home in the dark, just to eat and sleep and then go again into the rat race. No wonder, there is such a spike in people looking for some meaning in their meaningless lives and Marie Kondo, The Minimalists, Hygge etc are gaining popularity, giving tips to people on how to take a break from it all and create a little bit of paradise for themselves to keep sane and to feel happy.
Happiness is such a broad term which is also related to our physical built in environment directly or indirectly. It lifts your mood, impacts your behaviour and motivation positively, reduces anxiety and stress, and increases your sense of general well-being. Big companies are also trying to work on their physical environment so that the productivity of their employees increase manifolds and the creativity factor is positively influenced and the majority of their employees can tick that ‘Happiness’ box.
How to create a happy, positive environment:
We all must have experienced that feeling “I am home” and what it feels like to come home to a clean, welcoming, cozy, warm home at the end of a busy day. You look forward to reaching home, to your familiar space and to your familiar surroundings. No one to bother you, no deadlines, no harsh glare of the screens, no noises.
The Danes are known to be one of the happiest people in the world and the secret to their happiness is embracing ‘Hygge’. It is the Danish way of living life – meaningfully, mindfully, cosily, warmly and happily. Hygge is an oasis, a refuge from our daily struggles of fatigue, disconnection from real world and real people, mental and physical connection exhaustion, and this ever present sense of being totally lost in this modern wilderness. Hygge is all about peace, simplicity and comfort. It is about being authentic, it is about being real and it is about being at peace with everything around you, your surroundings and your atmosphere.
How would you define Hygge? It is a philosophy which encapsulates simplicity, togetherness, familiarity, safety, peacefulness, contentment and warmth. How could we practice Hygge in our daily lives? The first and foremost is about establishing meaning connections with everything and everyone around us, with loving kindness. We need to be mindful of our immediate environment and try to live and enjoy each moment to its full potential. We need to realise that we all are vulnerable and are connected to each other in some way or the other. We all are a part of this universe.
We can do small things to start practicing hygge in our daily lives, such as having a family meal together, when everyone is actually present and enjoying each other’s company, sharing stories and actively turning off all electronic intrusions. Hygge is about creating an atmosphere and a feeling of warmth, safety, comfort and coziness, where no one is competing against each other. Creating an atmosphere with soft lighting, blocking out all the harshness and loudness from your home, lighting up candles. They will create little sanctuaries around your home of softness and warmth to comfort your tired souls and eyes. You can apply Hygge in all spheres of your life – it feeds your soul and warns the innermost corners of your heart.
Try this at home:
• at the entrance of your castle, place a little pot with some aromatic flowers
• declutter as much as possible, only keep those things that spark joy (as Ms Kondo would say)
• introduce some greenery around
• add more flowers, even a single flower could change the whole atmosphere
• light up more candles
• become a pet owner
• put some old favourite family photographs around
• have plenty of cozy blankets, rugs, throws and cushions
• create a cozy nook called ‘Hyggekrog’
• paint your home with soothing colours
The list is long and it depends on everyone’s personal preference, you can apply the same principles to your work environment too, making it less formal and more authentic and comfortable rather than stark and too formal. These days, even hospitals are trying to incorporate these principles into their physical environments. Happy and cheerful colours in the hospitals and wellness centres can contribute towards patients’ quick recovery rather than the stark, clinical and more structured, formal décor/atmosphere. So, create an environment physically which will enrich you spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Listen to you heart, surround yourself with all things nice and soul satisfying. Go deeper, be authentic and be yourself and above all be mindful of your surroundings. Enjoy the moment, soak it all in and listen to the song that your heart is singing….it is happy, content and at peace!
Be nice to yourself, slow down and always, always, always listen to your heart…..home is where the heart is!
Men, Women, Love, Friendship & Laughter
Men, Women, Love, Friendship & Laughter
“Love, friendship, laughter…some of the best things in life really are free” – Bob Marley
“What do you think of men?”, if you ask this question to any woman you know, they will smile and roll their eyes around, some will giggle and some will get all serious and get into deep thinking processes. And some will squint their eyes real hard and say, “What do you mean by that?” In today’s world of political correctness and gender equality and all, everyone seems to be a little guarded against their opinion on the opposite sex. You always first scrutinise your audience and measure up your words zealously before expressing them. You might start a full blown war of words, ruffle many feathers and even ruin some of your long held friendships/relationships. So, people keep things close to their hearts, not uttering much or just following the majority. If you hold an opinion which might be slightly different than the majority, then only God can save you – now that’s another controversial topic – religion! Even God’s gender is questioned. You wonder how to refer to God these days in your prayers? – He/She has to be gender neutral. It’s confusing. Your prayer time can get highly stressful – you hope you are not offending God. These days getting offended is trending, in fact it is trending big time. Everyone is offended about something or the other. Gone are those days when you could express your views and opinions without getting trolled virtually, emotionally and mentally.
I asked the above question to my female acquaintances, friends, cousins, relatives too. Most went quiet, some came up with witty one-liners and comments comprising of one word only, some were overtly careful with their comments. There were few who were very open and talked their hearts out, I guess it was a subject very close to their hearts. The responses mirrored their age groups, life experiences, cultural, historical and religious contexts and their educational backgrounds. Language played an important role too, for example, in Khmer, the word for ‘yes’ is different for men and women. Some of them repeated the well-known stereotypes such as men are childlike, they are always confused, they are like pre-programmed machines, and Men Are From Mars after all. Some who have studied the subject a bit more closely out of sheer curiosity, they held biology as the prime factor in determining our feelings about men. Depending on our monthly cycle, we are attracted towards different kind of men – sexy, tall, compassionate, athletic, physically attractive, caring, older, intelligent, rich, wealthy etc. How we feel about men depends greatly on our biological make up and our age. I wonder if it is the same for men.
There has been many researches and studies conducted on men and women’s brains – similarities and differences. As a species we are always wondering if we are just the same, irrespective of our gender and our obvious biological differences. Is ‘gender’ a man-made concept? Is it because of our social conditioning we behave how we behave, is it because of our culture, we put on girly clothes, love pink or blue, play with dolls or trucks and put make up on ourselves? Is gender influenced by outside elements? What if all the toilets are unisex like unisex perfumes? What if all the clothes are gender neutral and you can’t really tell the difference between a boy and a girl? Is a clear distinction between different genders and gender roles serving our society anymore? Do we need a foundation/corner stone called a basic ‘nuclear family’ comprising of a mother and a father anymore for our ever evolving and ever changing society? Do mothers always need to be the ones staying at home being the primary carers and nurturers? Do fathers always need to be the breadwinners of the family? Do we need to revisit the traditional family structure of joint families, where every family member had a designated role and the family unit worked smoothly without childcare centres and aged care facilities? Do we need to have state/politics meddling into our private affairs such as – childcare, aged care, counselling services? Do we need to worry about our kids becoming totally socially inept and awkward spending most of their spare time talking to ‘Siri’ and playing games on their electronic devices all day long? The divorce rate is reaching record high worldwide. Over worked and over-burdened single mothers and single parents are regretting their decision to procreate.
Well-meaning popular movements such as ‘toxic masculinity’ and #metoo movement have a disturbing side to it too. There is a growing divide between men and women. You come across these young people who are dead scared to approach the opposite sex because they are worried they might offend them and it might be seen as sexual harassment. Young men are not sure about their masculinity, they are highly confused and are searching for answers. Is the whole concept of masculinity ‘toxic’? They lack confidence and assurance. They are lacking exemplary male role models in their lives. So what has gone so wrong? Why there is such an imbalance? Is there a gender war on at the moment? Do we need to intellectualise all aspects of our lives? Do we need to challenge everything that we have known all this time as human beings?
I grew up in a world when there was a certain mystery, certain charm shrouding the male-female relationship/friendship. My mother and other older women were full of interesting stories and always gave a vague account of boys and men in general. Our school text books were too biological and too scientific to make any logical sense out of it. We were given instructions to maintain a safe distance from men – please practice all interactions with the opposite gender in moderation, don’t spend too much time with them, don’t go alone with them. Despite all these strict guidelines, as a girl I have always found that there was an undeniable attraction, there was this enchanting mystery, and there was this lure of the unknown. I have always found the boys simpler to navigate, down to earth, and easy to communicate with. The plus point was they were always more fun to be around with.
Now when you find yourself embroiled in this ever present gender war, how do you strike that elusive balance again when love used to blossom between a man and a woman naturally and organically as a natural extension of a good solid friendship; when you knew you have found your soulmate; when the feeling of love permeated all the nooks and crannies of your being?
As it happened one fine day, when two of us were busy talking and sharing a joke and laughed so much that our sides almost split open, and we looked deep into each other’s eyes and we knew life would be too dull and boring without each other. It was a time, when sense of humour wasn’t a political act and there was laughter all around; we didn’t have to worry about offending anyone; we two became best of mates; and we decided to spend the rest of our lives together. There was banter, there were smiles galore and hearty laughs, and innocent statements about gender differences. In a nutshell, we all were simpler beings and life was simpler and love was simpler………..Are we lacking something inside us these days? Are we responsible for all these unnecessary complications? Can we laugh again – together, irrespective of our gender and grow in each other’s love? Can we love and respect each other’s differences? Can we just be good friends….again?
“The enemy of a love is never outside, it’s not a man or a woman, it’s what we lack in ourselves.” – Anais Nin
Freshly Cut Green Grass
Love Yourself First!!!
He whom love touches not walks in darkness – Plato
The day starts with an alarm clock and then it all starts with a BIG BANG!!! All the rushing around, running around, trying to get the kids ready for the school, getting yourself ready for the rat race, pushing through the daily traffic, it’s full throttle from Monday to Friday, as we all know it. There might be a few differences in people’s daily routines but more or less, you are pretty stretched. They call it a ‘balancing act’. So, how do you balance it all whilst also balancing your mental health, physical health and everything else around you?
There is so much pressure on an individual, you are supposed to be juggling everything at the same time – relationships, career, health, kids…..staying on top of everything under the sun at all times. To add to it, you have your ever present social media and social networking sites. You are always clicking your phone, taking pictures of your breakfast, your new hairstyle, your baby bump, your steaming coffee, your work desk, your nails, your ears, your whole life from A to Z. You are never ever ‘present’ in the moment, you are living your life through your expensive hand held hi-tech toys. You are instagramming instantly and constantly whilst photoshopping all your pics. You check twitter, WhatsApp etc every few minutes. You might have your headphones inserted in your ears too, listening to some “motivational podcast’ or ‘calming music’ or trying to search for some App to help you to sleep peacefully every night.
Your personal calendar looks jam packed – you make a mental note of wishing someone on their birthday or was it someone’s anniversary? You have an appointment with your personal trainer, you need to meet your kid’s teacher just after the school pick up……oh yeah, you got to pick up some cheddar cheese too on your way back home because you have promised your five year old that all of you will be having a pizza tonight for dinner. By the time you reach work, you already feel so over worked and drained out…..but hey hang on, few more hours to go yet. We hardly have a moment for ourselves, we hardly have a moment to ponder and just to be. Busyness is seen as a mark of success – you are wanted, you are in demand, you are popular! However, the price we pay for being busy is costing us our lives. We are always on the go 24×7. Personal ‘me’ time is a luxury item these days.
You hear and read about so many people getting burnt out – top athletes, politicians, celebrities, ordinary mum and dads, people cracking under pressure. Even kids as young as 10 are complaining about life’s growing pressures. So, you say to yourself, “Keep quiet and carry on!” Mental illness is fast becoming an epidemic, why? There must be a reason. It’s this constant stress and pressure that we all are putting ourselves through – willingly and unwillingly. So what is the solution?
We have billions of blogs about tackling this new age problem. They all talk about different strategies to cope with all these pressures and keeping sane. The most popular mantras are – simplifying your life, practicing gratitude, practising minimalism and the most important of them all is to ‘LOVE YOURSELF FIRST’!!! They all say unless and until you start loving yourself, you can’t really love anyone. If you don’t love yourself, you will eventually feel depleted and run out of love. You will end up becoming an irritable, depressed, sad, frustrated and an angry soul. So where do you start and how do you love yourself?
Defining Love
The word ‘love’ usually conjures up this gushy and all-consuming image of romantic love in our minds and hearts. We think of lovers declaring their undying love at the top of their voices from the mountain tops for their beloveds and sweethearts. But this whole concept of romantic love is fairly a new concept, apparently it came into existence around the 18th century. Love is a very broad concept and encompasses a lot more than just romantic love. To define love in few lines is literally impossible and everyone’s definition of love can differ based on their experiences, culture, religion, language and various other factors.
J.A. Lee’s 1973 book Colours of Love talks about seven kinds of love. They are extracted from Aristotle and Plato’s musings on love. They are classified as Eros, Philia, Storge, Agape, Ludus, Pragma, Philautia. Philautia means self-love and it has two sides to it – healthy self-love and unhealthy self-love. Unhealthy self-love leads to arrogance, inflated sense of self, narcissism and ego mania. Whereas healthy self-love talks about a healthy dose of self-esteem, self-confidence, self-care, self-worth and all such positive notions. According to Plato, love is all about beautiful and good things. He further expands on how the possession of beautiful and good things leads to ‘happiness’. And happiness is an end-in-itself. Plato called love a philosopher which leads to truth and wisdom. All religions also prescribe love as the only ‘solution’ to all our woes on this planet called Earth.
Recipe for Self-Love
How do you love yourself? I guess we can all start our journey with small steps. First of all, accept yourself as you are, forgive yourself, let go of any guilt and past mistakes, treat yourself with respect and loving kindness. Always be the ‘guest of honour’ in your own life, celebrate yourself. Here are few simple steps to initiate self-love:
1. take time to make your soul happy
2. love yourself fully, deeply, honestly, faithfully, gloriously
3. light a candle, read a new book, go for a walk outside
4. binge watch your favourite TV show, take a bubble bath, cook a healthy meal, buy yourself flowers
5. talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love
6. forgive yourself
7. say ‘no’ sometimes
8. be your best friend
9. laugh often
10. get enough sleep
11. express your feelings
12. listen to your instincts
13. exercise
14. be present and mindful
15. practice the power of positive affirmations
16. have some quality ‘me’ time
17. have some playtime
18. dance often
19. spend a night under the stars
I can go on and on but then everyone’s list of happiness and definition of love are different. Do whatever makes your heart and soul sing, whatever brings a smile on your face, whatever makes you love life again and most importantly, do whatever makes you fall in love with yourself, over and over again!
PS: This list is an ever-growing list, you can keep on editing it or keep on adding onto it. It changes depending on your changing definition of self-love. You may one day think ‘Well it’s time to turn the page….” It’s not always about the final destination, what matters is the journey itself. It’s about stopping over and smelling the roses along the way, it’s about enjoying your journey. It’s about hopelessly, madly and passionately falling in love with yourself – head over heels!
I am a believer in love….give love a chance!!!
Go on….fall in love…..with yourself….I dare you!!!
Love & Happiness Always
A ‘Thing’ Called Love
I wonder as always at the beginning of this month called February (the month of my birth, the second month of the year, the Valentine’s month), what it really means to love and to be loved. In today’s world of hyper connectivity and instant online ‘love’- is there really a ‘thing’ called ‘Love’, love – in its purest form, without any adulteration and editing, that exists around us? Is it the same globally or is it different in every continent or it surpasses all the limitations and boundaries of language, colour, religion, culture……? This four letter word has baffled us from the times immemorial. Poets, artists and writers have been intrigued and fascinated by it since the dawn of this civilisation. It has been the cause of many a wars and peace treaties too. It is the driving force behind many of the greatest achievements and feats of mankind. It has moved mountains and conquered unimaginable heights and depths. Think tanks and scientists have tried to analyse it from all possible angles but it still remains a mystery, so simple, yet so profound. All religions start and end with love. Everyone seeks it in some form or the other. Everyone needs it – and that I realised quite early on. All living organisms, need a dose of this elusive love, to survive and to flourish. History is the witness.
For me, growing up in India as a teenager and getting my overdose of Bollywood on a regular basis made me believe that love is all about looking into your beloved’s eyes, all love-sick, singing and dancing around the trees. It promised candlelight dinners, beautiful bouquets, rainbow-coloured balloons, heart-shaped candies, cuddly toys, red roses, romance, poetry, French perfume, sweet kisses, moonlight walks holding hands, star gazing on the beach, feeling the cool sand between your toes, opening doors, sunset cocktails and all those countless dreamy fluffy things. You fall in love with everyone and everything. You fall in love with the whole feeling of love. You are in a constant state of rapture and you get heartbroken every so often. As a young girl, I was always falling in love, always in love with the feeling of love. It felt so good, so heavenly. And one fine day, you do actually fall in love, quite hopelessly…..it becomes difficult to concentrate or focus on anything meaningful but then love becomes hell and love becomes heaven…and love becomes your only saviour too. An incurable romantic, that’s what I was and I still am to a large extent.
Fast forward few years and I am a young woman who realises the package called love includes heart ache and tears too. Most of all, it includes a lot of hurt and pain, and in fact it is a lot of hard work, sweat and blood. I learn one has to make willing sacrifices along the way, to let go of ego, to grow up fast and overcome envies, jealousies, insecurities, and face one’s own big bad demons.
As I got older, I realized love is a life long journey and is directly proportional to one’s true happiness, contentment and peace. I realized how fortunate and blessed you are when you find your soul mate, your true friend during your lifetime.
You might be fortunate enough to come across someone with whom you feel a sense of freedom, freedom to be just yourself. You can remain silent for hours together and yet feel no need to talk. Words are not needed anymore, you somehow feel complete with the person. You know in your heart, mind and soul that you have found a true friend, a soul mate, and your life partner. You have a taste of happiness and contentment. Suddenly, you find meaning in your life and your life becomes meaningful. The journey of life seems easier and bearable and less exhaustive – you have someone with you to share it with you. The joys and sorrows, ups and downs, highs and lows, along the way keep you thoroughly amused and you laugh at yourself, at each other and at this strange but exhilarating journey called ‘life’. You two have your personal jokes about life et al and everything related to it, where words and the punchline are not needed anymore, just a fleeting glance and you get each other. You both smile and then you laugh out loud, you both realize what happiness is and what togetherness ultimately means. It all somehow makes sense. ‘Togetherness’ gradually becomes ‘one-ness’. Two hearts start to beat with the same rhythm, same sound and same melody, a lyrical rhapsody of love. You two become ONE! – One mind, one soul, one heart. You could hear the heartbeat of love from miles away – it has the sound of blissful, all-consuming silence. Your whole being start to hum a song called LOVE.
So the journey continues, you wish to spend the rest of your life with your soul mate. You look forward to spending every minute and every nano second of your day and night together. Lying in bed for hours talking about anything and everything under the sun. You don’t edit, you don’t stop and think, you flow like a river, without any hindrances. You feel like a child, running through the green meadows, trying to catch the rays of the sun, with eyes half closed. You realise you are in LOVE!
Before you know it, you are suddenly a grownup – a worldly-wise, intelligent, resourceful, mature woman and of course there are days, when you want to hit someone in the head with a big piece of wood. It’s another thing that you don’t act upon your thoughts, and you mope around the house with your hair all over the place with your stretched-to-the-max pyjamas on, resembling a dishevelled, dirty and an annoying beggar from a third world country. You have days when you use bad and abusive language in frustration…. ‘F’ this and ‘F’ that and you find faults with everything and everyone. You have drunken daytime ramblings about the dire and sad state of this world. You become a walking source of negativity with a grey cloud hanging over your head. There are worse days when you are insensitive to everyone’s needs around you and there are days when you desperately need to be left alone. You want to be left totally alone. Despite all this, you realise there is still someone who loves you, someone who gives you your space, someone who puts up with your innumerable mood swings, someone who smiles amidst all the madness and chaos, and gets busy with the work related papers whilst you are listening to your gloomy music with your head phones on. You thank your stars and consider yourself the luckiest being alive on this planet.
As you two spend more and more time together, you take on each other’s interests and likes. You find yourself trying things for the first time like listening to jazz; you start watching news for hours; you try your hand at guitar; you try to get the lyrics of the songs liked by your partner; you taste ‘Vegemite’ and try to understand its lure; you try to understand a totally different culture; you try to learn and understand the language of your partner’s parents; you try to learn about their family’s religion; you try to read and comprehend complex philosophical concepts; you try to enjoy mandarins and oranges as much as your partner does; you start to take interest in foreign affairs; and so much more. You realise you are changing, you are growing, you are becoming a better version of yourself. You try your best to be a better version of yourself in all spheres of your life. Making love also becomes a spiritual experience, intimacy takes another level of fulfilment – spiritually, emotionally and intellectually. You become a person with a fantastic sense of humour. You are prepared to do anything to make your partner love you forever. You start looking more beautiful. There are times, when you two fight like cats and dogs and argue non-stop for the sake of it. You get all enraged because you care enough for each other. You let each other experience something truly special. You know in your heart of hearts that everything is finally going to be OK. You both hold power, power to make each other a better person.
You learn that acceptance is true romance. Romance is, to feel accepted and loved when you are behaving horribly and unconventionally. You know that you have someone staying by our side when the whole world is sitting in the judgement seat. You let go of the desire to be in control, you let go of your interests and your desire to dominate. You are free of everything and you start seeing the bigger picture. A bigger, colourful, love-filled picture. You start accepting and loving yourself too. Your love extends to everything and everyone around you.
The decision to build a little nest with someone who is just an extension of you becomes easier and comes as naturally to you as a dream. You make few little versions of yourselves, a reflection of you two. Miracles happen – big and small. You become a parent. Love teaches you how to be a parent, how to take care of little helpless, fragile beings. You become less selfish, you become more willing to sacrifice your own comfort so that your little miracles of love can flourish. You don’t mind sleepless nights and total take-over of your lives by little tiny beings. There’s no greater joy than when your little miracles look at you with complete trust reflected in their big, twinkling, shiny eyes. You start to see beauty in everyone and everything and your definition of beauty becomes broader and broader. Somehow the world doesn’t seem such a gloomy place after all and you see hope at the horizon for the humankind. Somehow everything that has bothered you since you became an adult, seem to fall into the right place, things start to make sense. You start to fall in love over and over again…..love becomes an all-consuming feeling and you have faith again in everything under the sun which seemed so doomed when love was a non-existent entity in your meaningless life.
The viral video of a five year old, the biggest fan of Lionel Messi, kicking his football in the war-torn Afghanistan, wearing his makeshift blue-and-white-striped jersey made from a plastic bag, cheers you up and you feel surrounded by positivity, hope and love. The father of the boy says football shirts were too expensive for the family to buy. The Barcelona stars decides to meet the boy and present him with a real football T-shirt. Love teaches you to see beauty in the most mundane things and in the most wretched and miserable places on this planet we call home. Your soulmate, your love shares this bit of news with you at 6.30 am in the morning whilst you are preparing your little one’s breakfast before school, because he knows in his heart of hearts that you would love it. And you do. Rest of your day is filled with love. Love is sharing and appreciating the little things in life, simple things in life and life looks beautiful and you kiss goodbye for the day. The rest of the day is a blessing. Love accepts you as you are with all your flaws. It gives you hope and faith. The world is beautiful and you are beautiful and everyone around you is beautiful! Love conquers, it cancels all your misdeeds and innumerable sins. Love always wins……that you are sure of now and it lasts for eternity and beyond! And you keep this loving faith – forever!
This Chinese New year, which falls in the month of Valentine, is the year of the Red Fire Monkey. It will be a bright and blazing year, predicts the Chinese astrology. It represents passion, and is said to bring joy and creativity. I look forward to it and I pray for an eternal fire of love – bright and blazing –reaching the stars and the heaven above with its soaring flames.
There. Straight and simple. 1+1=love. That’s what everyone wants, right? Straight and simple, ‘we are on the same page’ love?
I am a believer in Love…..
Vibha Das Singh
A ‘Thing’ Called Love
I wonder as always at the beginning of this month called February (the month of my birth, the second month of the year, the Valentine’s month), what it really means to love and to be loved. In today’s world of hyper connectivity and instant online ‘love’- is there really a ‘thing’ called ‘Love’, love – in its purest form, without any adulteration and editing, that exists around us? Is it the same globally or is it different in every continent or it surpasses all the limitations and boundaries of language, colour, religion, culture……? This four letter word has baffled us from the times immemorial. Poets, artists and writers have been intrigued and fascinated by it since the dawn of this civilisation. It has been the cause of many a wars and peace treaties too. It is the driving force behind many of the greatest achievements and feats of mankind. It has moved mountains and conquered unimaginable heights and depths. Think tanks and scientists have tried to analyse it from all possible angles but it still remains a mystery, so simple, yet so profound. All religions start and end with love. Everyone seeks it in some form or the other. Everyone needs it – and that I realised quite early on. All living organisms, need a dose of this elusive love, to survive and to flourish. History is the witness.
For me, growing up in India as a teenager and getting my overdose of Bollywood on a regular basis made me believe that love is all about looking into your beloved’s eyes, all love-sick, singing and dancing around the trees. It promised candlelight dinners, beautiful bouquets, rainbow-coloured balloons, heart-shaped candies, cuddly toys, red roses, romance, poetry, French perfume, sweet kisses, moonlight walks holding hands, star gazing on the beach, feeling the cool sand between your toes, opening doors, sunset cocktails and all those countless dreamy fluffy things. You fall in love with everyone and everything. You fall in love with the whole feeling of love. You are in a constant state of rapture and you get heartbroken every so often. As a young girl, I was always falling in love, always in love with the feeling of love. It felt so good, so heavenly. And one fine day, you do actually fall in love, quite hopelessly…..it becomes difficult to concentrate or focus on anything meaningful but then love becomes hell and love becomes heaven…and love becomes your only saviour too. An incurable romantic, that’s what I was and I still am to a large extent.
Fast forward few years and I am a young woman who realises the package called love includes heart ache and tears too. Most of all, it includes a lot of hurt and pain, and in fact it is a lot of hard work, sweat and blood. I learn one has to make willing sacrifices along the way, to let go of ego, to grow up fast and overcome envies, jealousies, insecurities, and face one’s own big bad demons.
As I got older, I realized love is a life long journey and is directly proportional to one’s true happiness, contentment and peace. I realized how fortunate and blessed you are when you find your soul mate, your true friend during your lifetime.
You might be fortunate enough to come across someone with whom you feel a sense of freedom, freedom to be just yourself. You can remain silent for hours together and yet feel no need to talk. Words are not needed anymore, you somehow feel complete with the person. You know in your heart, mind and soul that you have found a true friend, a soul mate, and your life partner. You have a taste of happiness and contentment. Suddenly, you find meaning in your life and your life becomes meaningful. The journey of life seems easier and bearable and less exhaustive – you have someone with you to share it with you. The joys and sorrows, ups and downs, highs and lows, along the way keep you thoroughly amused and you laugh at yourself, at each other and at this strange but exhilarating journey called ‘life’. You two have your personal jokes about life et al and everything related to it, where words and the punchline are not needed anymore, just a fleeting glance and you get each other. You both smile and then you laugh out loud, you both realize what happiness is and what togetherness ultimately means. It all somehow makes sense. ‘Togetherness’ gradually becomes ‘one-ness’. Two hearts start to beat with the same rhythm, same sound and same melody, a lyrical rhapsody of love. You two become ONE! – One mind, one soul, one heart. You could hear the heartbeat of love from miles away – it has the sound of blissful, all-consuming silence. Your whole being start to hum a song called LOVE.
So the journey continues, you wish to spend the rest of your life with your soul mate. You look forward to spending every minute and every nano second of your day and night together. Lying in bed for hours talking about anything and everything under the sun. You don’t edit, you don’t stop and think, you flow like a river, without any hindrances. You feel like a child, running through the green meadows, trying to catch the rays of the sun, with eyes half closed. You realise you are in LOVE!
Before you know it, you are suddenly a grownup – a worldly-wise, intelligent, resourceful, mature woman and of course there are days, when you want to hit someone in the head with a big piece of wood. It’s another thing that you don’t act upon your thoughts, and you mope around the house with your hair all over the place with your stretched-to-the-max pyjamas on, resembling a dishevelled, dirty and an annoying beggar from a third world country. You have days when you use bad and abusive language in frustration…. ‘F’ this and ‘F’ that and you find faults with everything and everyone. You have drunken daytime ramblings about the dire and sad state of this world. You become a walking source of negativity with a grey cloud hanging over your head. There are worse days when you are insensitive to everyone’s needs around you and there are days when you desperately need to be left alone. You want to be left totally alone. Despite all this, you realise there is still someone who loves you, someone who gives you your space, someone who puts up with your innumerable mood swings, someone who smiles amidst all the madness and chaos, and gets busy with the work related papers whilst you are listening to your gloomy music with your head phones on. You thank your stars and consider yourself the luckiest being alive on this planet.
As you two spend more and more time together, you take on each other’s interests and likes. You find yourself trying things for the first time like listening to jazz; you start watching news for hours; you try your hand at guitar; you try to get the lyrics of the songs liked by your partner; you taste ‘Vegemite’ and try to understand its lure; you try to understand a totally different culture; you try to learn and understand the language of your partner’s parents; you try to learn about their family’s religion; you try to read and comprehend complex philosophical concepts; you try to enjoy mandarins and oranges as much as your partner does; you start to take interest in foreign affairs; and so much more. You realise you are changing, you are growing, you are becoming a better version of yourself. You try your best to be a better version of yourself in all spheres of your life. Making love also becomes a spiritual experience, intimacy takes another level of fulfilment – spiritually, emotionally and intellectually. You become a person with a fantastic sense of humour. You are prepared to do anything to make your partner love you forever. You start looking more beautiful. There are times, when you two fight like cats and dogs and argue non-stop for the sake of it. You get all enraged because you care enough for each other. You let each other experience something truly special. You know in your heart of hearts that everything is finally going to be OK. You both hold power, power to make each other a better person.
You learn that acceptance is true romance. Romance is, to feel accepted and loved when you are behaving horribly and unconventionally. You know that you have someone staying by our side when the whole world is sitting in the judgement seat. You let go of the desire to be in control, you let go of your interests and your desire to dominate. You are free of everything and you start seeing the bigger picture. A bigger, colourful, love-filled picture. You start accepting and loving yourself too. Your love extends to everything and everyone around you.
The decision to build a little nest with someone who is just an extension of you becomes easier and comes as naturally to you as a dream. You make few little versions of yourselves, a reflection of you two. Miracles happen – big and small. You become a parent. Love teaches you how to be a parent, how to take care of little helpless, fragile beings. You become less selfish, you become more willing to sacrifice your own comfort so that your little miracles of love can flourish. You don’t mind sleepless nights and total take-over of your lives by little tiny beings. There’s no greater joy than when your little miracles look at you with complete trust reflected in their big, twinkling, shiny eyes. You start to see beauty in everyone and everything and your definition of beauty becomes broader and broader. Somehow the world doesn’t seem such a gloomy place after all and you see hope at the horizon for the humankind. Somehow everything that has bothered you since you became an adult, seem to fall into the right place, things start to make sense. You start to fall in love over and over again…..love becomes an all-consuming feeling and you have faith again in everything under the sun which seemed so doomed when love was a non-existent entity in your meaningless life.
The viral video of a five year old, the biggest fan of Lionel Messi, kicking his football in the war-torn Afghanistan, wearing his makeshift blue-and-white-striped jersey made from a plastic bag, cheers you up and you feel surrounded by positivity, hope and love. The father of the boy says football shirts were too expensive for the family to buy. The Barcelona stars decides to meet the boy and present him with a real football T-shirt. Love teaches you to see beauty in the most mundane things and in the most wretched and miserable places on this planet we call home. Your soulmate, your love shares this bit of news with you at 6.30 am in the morning whilst you are preparing your little one’s breakfast before school, because he knows in his heart of hearts that you would love it. And you do. Rest of your day is filled with love. Love is sharing and appreciating the little things in life, simple things in life and life looks beautiful and you kiss goodbye for the day. The rest of the day is a blessing. Love accepts you as you are with all your flaws. It gives you hope and faith. The world is beautiful and you are beautiful and everyone around you is beautiful! Love conquers, it cancels all your misdeeds and innumerable sins. Love always wins……that you are sure of now and it lasts for eternity and beyond! And you keep this loving faith – forever!
This Chinese New year, which falls in the month of Valentine, is the year of the Red Fire Monkey. It will be a bright and blazing year, predicts the Chinese astrology. It represents passion, and is said to bring joy and creativity. I look forward to it and I pray for an eternal fire of love – bright and blazing –reaching the stars and the heaven above with its soaring flames.
There. Straight and simple. 1+1=love. That’s what everyone wants, right? Straight and simple, ‘we are on the same page’ love?
I am a believer in Love…..
Vibha Das-Singh
vibhadassingh 